tanito

OMG! I'd totally forgotten about lj, it's been so long since I last posted. I've been reading back over my old posts and I cant believe what a whinging girl i used to be! of course i'm not much better now but at least i do it in private.

well there isn't really much i can say lol. i'm a second yr swansea uni student studying Classical Civilisation with ancient greek language. i teach ballet and tap and am secretary of the dance and swansea amnesty international societies. during term time i'm vegetarian to keep my housemate happy and when he's not around i eat tuna. i still read tons of crap literature, mainly historical chick lit like jean plaidy and elizabeth chadwick, but recently have started thinking about my dissertation for next year.

well maybe i'll restart posting on here. it's nice to keep a kind of diary, even if it is on the internet. i wonder if anybody else still posts ...

hey livejournal it's me and i need your advice. ok so ive known sam for 3 years and he's fancied me the whole time which i knew on and off (the rest of the time was spent thinking he hated my guts)and there were times when i fancied him too. so when we got together a few weeks ago, we hooked up and it could have been worse. but the whole time i was aware that he's fancied me since we met and i felt almost obligated to be with him now we've got the chance. but then he left for india and we're keeping in touch a little bit but i dont know if i should wait for him to come back and then have a long distance relationship or go and find someone who will make me happy here and now. i feel terrible for not being certain about sam but i also feel terrible for feeling obligated. and i dont know what to do. and obviously i still have a flame for jim and it will be ok when we're living together cos we'll just be friends but now, when i'm lonely, i miss him a lot. and there was this other guy i hoped would do something but im sure now that nothing will come out of that either.

dearest livejournal, i'm sorry to always be complaining about men but not a lot else is happenning right now. played at a wedding yday which was incredibly hard work and im still feeling the effects of it but it was good money so i'm happy about that. my only playstation game which i love to bits broke today so thats a bugger but i should be reading plato anyway.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh

thanks lj, Tani x

my head is beyond messed up. i spend 90% of my waking hours pissed off at people, generally my family. i HATE living back in Devon. I HATE living with my parents and my brother. I HATE the fact that i constantly think about jim even though we broke up 2 months ago. im having trouble finding things to do to amuse myself and when i do find them i cant concentrate. i cant watch tv in my room bcos the digital box is broken. and all my mum and bro can do is complain about the fact that we have new neighbours and they might wake my brother up before 11am. who fucking cares? i fucking don't. everybody has to cope with change. but oh no, instead he's playing stupidly loud music in his room to try and piss off the new neighbours as they walk around their new house. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

the best thing i did today was stand on paignton beach in the pouring rain for an hour listening to the sea and dancing around with my umbrella looking like a twat. this made me happy. but then i came home and its not home its a house where i spend too much of my time. i need to meet people who live in paignton so i can have a local pub and go and drink and pretend i'm happy for the next 3 months. pretend being the word. i cant wait to move back to swansea to my new house and be free to do whatever i want with people i enjoy spending time with. i just don't want to be fucking here.

ok i've been in a bloody awful mood all day today and there are a number of reasons and i just want to get them out of my head before i go to bed or i wont be able to sleep. i just read my entry for this day last year and its funny bcos i was in a bad mood then as well. isnt that weird. right so where to begin? ive had a hangover today bcos last night we went out celebrating the fact that our exams have all finished. the main group of us dressed up as characters from films (i wore my cancan outfit from the show) and looked great. jim came out too which was weird bcos ive only been out drinking with him twice, once the day he asked me out in december and once for my bday. last night it was really horrible and highlighted the fact that i still have really strong feelings for him. and that in itself is horrible bcos i dont want to feel anything for him except hate and even when he does things like smoke copious amounts it winds me up but i find myself humouring him which annoys me too. jim just has a crazy ability to do that. ok so we go out and we're all pretty damn drunk and then we meet up with our other groups of friends in revs. they had been bowling or in the cinema so were less drunk than us. now i tried eyeing up a guy called charlie but then i met him and he's a great guy and a good friend of mine so i decided i wouldnt try anything. plus i still have feelings for jim and it would just be nasty and im leaving swansea in 2 weeks and yeh. so. we meet charlie in revs too and he's chatting to some random girl he clearly knows and im chatting to my friends and play an ice-cube passing game which means i have to kiss 2 girls and we're all having a huge laugh and then i see charlie on his own at the bar so i go to chat to him and thn get a drink. except we're there chatting and he says,
"jim's a cool guy isn't he."
i say "ha jims a c*nt"
"why? why did you guys break up?"
"what?!?!"
"im interested"
"i wanted commitment and he didn't"
"has charlotte been talking to you?"
"yeah a little bit. about what?"
"i'm kinda still in love with my ex girlfriend"
"ok...ay"
"and your ex boyfriend is over there"
"y...e...s" <highly confused at this point and this is where my mind blanks. but the gist of what he said was that nothing could happen between us because of the above reasons. ok as i pointed out i didn't go up ther to chat him up but i was very drunk so i could have been giving out signals. i was looking for a guy so maybe i was subconsciously flirting. i dont know. i also remember charlie mentioning that he heard i fancy pirate jon which made me angry cos basically i emailed some guy on facebook and fell for the man i made up in my head. i could interpret everything he said as romantic and yeah it was doomed. plus he only emailed for 2 days and then stopped with no warning. men are bastards. so then charlie goes off with his friends and i stay at the bar thinking but it takes forever to get served in revs cos its all cocktails so i go back to my friends and hannah says she's going home and im angry with charlie for saying all this stuff about the guys in my life and totally blowing me off when i wasn't even flirting with him that i said id go too. it was like the worst rejection ever and totally undeserved. so i tell hannah all about it in the taxi and then get home and burst into angry drunken tears whilst brushing my teeth so go back to my room and sent him the worst text message ever which ended with me calling him an "arrogant sod". although not the worst insult ever he was incredibly upset and texted back justifying everything that he said thus making me feel terrible all day and not charlie hates me and i have no idea how to earn his forgiveness. i totally screwed everything up. i think this sums up the major reason for my bad mood today. ive also had a hangover and no running water so no ability to shower. ive eaten a whole tube of hobnobs and watched the first pirates of the caribbean film but even that didn't make me feel better. i wish i could just talk to charlie and say sorry in person but he'll probably never speak to me again. ha anyway i feel better for writing this all down and if you read it then you're either very curious or bored. any ideas on how i can regain his trust and friendship? cos im stuffed.

At 11:23 this evening James Edward Robinson terminated our loving relationship so that we "can still be friends". I am slightly, possibly, heartbroken.





...and drunk...

I got home last night from visiting Jim and his family in Lincolnshire. The journey home took 10 hours but i think it was totally worth it. but now i'm slightly confused about our relationship because ... well i dont know why. i've gotta work that one out. basically before easter we had a huge discussion about how i felt stronger about him than he did for me and how he can;t love me (i dont quite understand why - something to do with his past) but he does really like me and really enjoys spending time with me and thinks of me as a wonderful friend. but these past few days in Lincolnshire have made me really confused, maybe because of the strangeness of being in lincolnshire in his parents' house instead of swansea where we are in charge. but i just feel like he wants to control me. in the past when i've said the whole thing about wanting to be a housewife with children and stuff he's bitched at me for hours about what the 'women in the past gave up so that i could have equal rights and opportunities' and all that absolute crap. women fought for the CHOICE to vote and work equally. the choice! and i choose that great as it is, i'd rather stay at home. but anyway yeah i'm supposed to want equal rights and a great job and not dream about getting married, but at the same time he'd rather i wore my hair in bunches and didn't wear any make-up, didn't argue with him and let him win. i swear he enjoys embarassing me when i say something wrong. like i asked if margaret was 'the maid' instead of the ironing lady or whatever she is and he took great joy in telling the whole family. and when i made it quite clear that i didnt know the battle strategy of the battle of hastings he took great pleasure in telling me exactly what happenned and how i was totally wrong. i mean aaaaaaaaaaaaargh! it's not that i want to control him, i just want to be an equal in the relationship and be able to say silly things (like poseidon being the roman god of the sea) without fear of him laughing about it for the next week or so. i know i was wrong, give it up. bloody men. apparently our relationship isn't as great as i thought it was. and i dont know if i love him. what is love anyway? i adore him and love spending time with him but he does so many little things that just wind me up. i can't even mention children while in the same room as him. i dont know what to do about it. should i talk to him about this? NO because he wont understand. even i dont understand what im saying. thank the gods he doesn't know about lj bcos i would be screwed. maybe we're just too different to be compatable.

Good lord it's been a bloody long time since i last updated. I seem to have lost the lj knack. i guess i don't need it to get my feelings out of my system any more. i have a wonderful boyfriend and i dont need to bitch about him. so what else is there to say? well i'm homer in paignton and i'm bored out of my skull! seriously how did i manage to ever live here? there's nobody to see and nothing to do. i spent yday morning failing at playing the harp and trying to learn greek vocab and the afternoon sunbathing and reading a crappy chick-lit. and today im watching 'watch my chops' and updating this. i cant wait to go back to swansea. mind you tomorrow i'm off to lincolnshire to see jim wooooo its gonna be so great! im gonna meet his family which is a little bit scary tho cos they're sooo very different to everybody i know. like rich and stuff. i have no idea what to take with me though. what clothes? all i know is we're going to the theatre on wednesday night. so that means jeans, my new skirt and .... what else? i can see my suitcase being quite full. oimoi kai iou as the greeks would say.

hope anybody who reads this has a wonderful vacation
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fucking fucking fucking fuck stupid shitty university essay crap. i hate this i hate you i hate jim i hate the university. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh

bastard cunts.

Hooray! I finally got round to resetting my password. Hoo-bloody-ray. I don't have anything to post though. Life is normal, Jim is great, Tom is being annoying - everything normal. I wish it was half term but it's not so i'm working as much (as little) as is necessary. I have an essay de in 10 days so i might start looking at books for that - but our library is so crap it will take a lot of bloody effort. ho hum. i'm currently cooking roast potatoes but Jim made me cut them up smaller than I'd normally make them so who knows if they'll cook properly. hope so. i'm hungry. Miss you all sooooooooooo much.
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Happy Valentines Day everyone for yday. Sorry it's late. I had a great day! Jim gave me some belgian chocolates, a wonderful harp cd and a frying pan. the frying pan was the best cos he'd listened to my mumbling that i didnt have one and bought me one! woo now i can make pancakes. wahey. in return i gave him some flavoured alcoholic coffee and some chocolate hobnobs. I also made jam tarts in the shape of hearts which we ate with champagne. unfortunately the champers went straight to my head and i told him in great detail about all the cats id ever owned. why?? i also managed to drag up leigh aswell but i dont rememebr what i said so it probably wasnt enough for him to be bothered. he told me about an incident with his ex too so it was good. anybody else watch buzzcocks?? omfg sooooo funny.

my tv is broken and im home alone. i have about 10 books i need to read but i really cant be bothered. i think ill take the easy option and read the odyssey, then i can start planning my essay. anybody else have to hand in essays before you actually study the work in lectures? what is the utter point in that? bastards.

I'm all alone. It's seriously weird. Jim has gone to Birmingham for his dad's birthday thing and Tom has gone to Birmingham to see his girlfriend and Gary has gone to Birmingham for the ride and I'm stuck in Swansea with the snow and no busses and no food and no friends. Ok slight over-exaggeration but never the less i don't expect to speak to anybody verbally until monday. I'm so sad. However I will have time to shave my legs, straighten my hair, go food shopping, not eat all the time and start essay work. It's going to be very weird. Sleeping on my own ... scary.

However he does love me. He said so. All on his own. I'm so happy. Dunno what to do about Valentines though. We didn't discuss it so i'll have to text him 2moro. Whats anybody else doing?

hello darlings, i'm ill ;_; very very poorly ill. oh dear. and i have also forgotten my lj password so unless i'm on my laptop i cant update here which is very unfortunate as im rarely home alone. today i'm updating because jim (who is also ill) has been persuaded to sleep at mine tonight and while we're watching mock the week im online checking emails and stuff.
so lets update properly: ie with a numerical list of uninteresting information.

1. my exams finished last saturday and were ridiculously easy. i did one at 2pm with a hangover and left one after 45 minutes having finished over an hour early. i never believed uni would be easier than a-levels until now.

2. i have changed my degree. yes i know i was really mad about doing egyptology but ive now dropped it from my degree so im now doing single honours ancient history. have to write to torbay council this week to tell them so they dont take away my money.

3. i'm still with Jim wooooooo! He's been looking after me incredibly well these last few days and i really adore him for it. we've also mentioned the L word (not luxemburg) but we're not saying it much. i think i scared him when i got very drunk, cried, said i loved him even if he didnt feel the same and then ran to the loo to throw up.

4. I'm practically living in Jim's house and love his flat mates.

5. having been totally destroyed by dan and kenny's choice to join a housing agency without even asking me, i'm looking at a student house with jim and our mutual friends on monday. it's so close to our local pub that sometimes the pub is closer than the toilet.

6. I can't think of any more exciting things to say except I SALVAGED THINGS ON THE BEACH BEFORE IT WAS COOL!

luv y'all
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Hi guys and dolls i'm in swansea and i promise to male a proper post soon honest first exam tomorrow oh no!! i'm just off to sleep at jims just incase bastard naomi and her stupid friends make a noise at 4am i hate living here so fucking much.

love you all

g'luck in your exams

Tani xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Wahey! I went to London yesterday and it's been the greatest 2 days ever! Basically Jim and I agreed when we started going out before the end of uni that we had to meet up at some time within the holiday and we did so yesterday and it was so good! The megabus is stupidly cheap but takes 4 hours each way so I've read so much of my egyptian textbook its amazing. and actually not That boring if you skim the boring stuff. anyway I got to London at 1pm and eventually found Jim and it was so normal and felt so right it was great. we got coffee and then went to the british museum and it was so cool wandering around with someone who knows about all the crap i do. but the british museum itself was a kind of disappoinment bcos i've seen so many of the artifacts in books or on tv that it was kinda silly. and Jim laughed at me when i said my little Egypt Centre had better Egyptian jewellery than the British museum but its true! But we had a great couple of hours wandering around together and I saw the rosetta stone which is actually much bigger than i expected (99 lines of writing you know) and then we looked in the shop and i bought a bookmark! woo. then we went to a pub to discuss the museum which is obviously a very important thing to do. maybe i was just overwhelmed... anyway while at the pub Jim said that he had actually got tickets to a west-end performance of Chicago which is such a great musical! I love it! and it didnt matter that id seen exactly the same people at the princess theatre on tour cos i love it! but before we went to the theatre we had dinner in Covent Garden! OMG i know it doesnt matter where we eat and i'm used to eating mcdonalds and stuff when on holiday but this was amazing. i felt awful about the cost but what can a girl do? i had vegetarian spinach and pumpkin risotto cakes and half a bottle of wine and ended up slightly tipsy and it was good fun. then we went to the theatre and Jim enjoyed the show which he hadn't seen before and we both had a great time. after that we decided to head back to his aunt and uncle's house where we were staying which took ages cos they live in Ealing but it was worth it cos the house was huge and gorgeous and the double bed was incredibly comfy. it was really nice sleeping cuddled up to jim again, not like sleeping bum to bum with ... other people. then this morning we woke up at about half 10, had breakfast, watched 2 episodes of scrubs, had lunch and then headed back into the city for more exploring. we decided to go to Camden market as the rain had finished and OMG what an experience. it was cool but bloody scary all the people and drugs and stuff. i wanted to buy a black trilby with pink pinstripes but didnt. bought a book of latin instead :) after Camden we went to Oxford Street to a pub there just to say we had and then it was time to find the bus station which was all easy and get on the bus and come home. i slept for an hour and a half and then read my egyptology book again so now im in the second intermediate period so i dont have That much more to read but obviously ive got other books aswell and oh dear i havent done nearly enough revision but it will all be fine i'm sure. i need to fill out those formsfor changing my degree tomorrow actually ... someone remind me i'm bound to forget.
anyway even though we decided to take things very slow and didn't mention the L word i had a great time with Jim and can't wait to get back to Swansea on sunday afternoon. Woo hope my house and my room are all ok. fingers crossed.

Love you all
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OMG Greenwing last night!!! How sad was it!! Poor Guy! I think I've gone off Mac, he's looking old. Watched it at Dan's house which was great fun. Practically rolled off the bed laughing at "Mouse-cock" < quote may change if it is currently incorrect. aaaah so good.
Today I had my hair done. it's loads shorter, tidier and blonder. I'm not proper blonde but had tons of highlights and it's beautiful and i love it and bloody hope Jim does. ill see him on wednesday omg!!! so exciting.

Bowling on sunday people?

I had a major panic attack last night. Fucking worst one I've had for a long time. You know when you weight yourself but something's touching the scales and you turn out at 9 stone? Well that happenned but i didn't realise and then I thought about my boobs growing and decided that maybe i wanted to get stressy about being pregnant (yeh i know my head is messed up about this) so then i cried and STUPIDLY texted Jim but then he was out without his phone and didn;t text me back so i decided at 1am that he was dumping me (no i hadn't been drinking) and cried more until i fell asleep and woke up thinking about abortion (even though i'm against it) but then weighed myself to about 8 1/4 so woo i only need to lose half a stone!!! and then Jim phoned me in an utter mess over my texts and he was still a bit drunk but now we're both convinced that my magic blue pills do actually work and im not pregnant. and i have made the decision not to sleep with 3 people in the space of 4 weeks again because it stresses you out. even when your careful. someone please remind me cheers thanks.

OMFG desperate housewives back on tonight woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Woo panto has finally finished ^_^ no more wasting time sitting around backstage at the theatre not able to revise. which means i can revise now!!! damn its boring. but last night after panto we were waiting for a meeting to start saying well done to evreybody (i got chocolates) and had a very strange discussion about engagement rings. it's funny how different people want different styles of rings. I know how i'd like mine to look - have done since i was baout 10 - but other people think vrey differently and it's just strange. except it's not really bcos although we're all dancers we are all very different people so yeah im just talking absolute rubbish. i had the strangest dream last night that Dan T and I got married in our university building and then drove to my dead grandad's house and then got chased back to Wales and almost killed by a dragon. Mumzi thinks the dragon represents Jim :S who knows what I was thinking.

I'm going to London in 8 days!!!

I had THE BEST New Years Eve ever! Mumzi and I went down to Paignton Seafront for 11:55 and watched all the fireworks going off around the Bay and it was brilliant!!! The Boathouse had brilliant ones which we were standing right next to and it was cool. Did anybody else see/hear the thunder and lightning that apparently hit Oldway Primary School (where spring and I went as kiddies) cos it was really really loud and scary. Jim phoned me at midnight and we said the usual midnight stuff and then we came home and went to bed about half midnight. Thank you if you texted me (which I bet you didn't) but I don't have any of your phone numbers except Kat so I dont know who they're from. tis a bugger.

My new year's resolution is to eat no more McCoys Crisps and to do at least 1 sit-up a day. I dont consider these too hard so woohoo for a slim and healthy new year. Just gotta start doing revision now.

well it's ... 21:00 on sunday night and i am sat at home, in my pyjamas, with my parents drinking a cup of tea. I am living it up. seriously. but anyway im feeling mature and sober and i dont really get why new years is such a big thing anyway - its just another day. if anything i think colin's mum's got it right with the solstice thing. ah well im gonna watch graham norton and then go down to the beach for midnight with mumzi and possibly dad. it WILL be exciting and fun and better than your alcohol-fuelled night. i don't hate you. honestly.

oh dear. this isnt really a depressed post cos 1. I'm not depressed and 2. i cant be bothered with the lack of sympathy any more. basically im just a bit narked cos life has returned to the way it was before i went to uni. and i mean EXACTLY the same. I don't go out, I haven't touched alcohol for weeks, ive only spoken to you guys once (duck night), im sat here online with nothing to do and nobody to talk to cos im a boring person and im glum. woo for university changing my life. i had a great couple of months and then everything returns to normal. i f*cking hate it. i AM learning not to swear though which is great cos it means i can be a polite girl. except for the above expletive but i even starred that out. woo i'm gonna be a girl again. isnt life exciting. Jim hasn't phoned today cos he's gone to Norfolk to stay in their house there. thats made me glum too. i dont like long distance crap. but i like him enough to not even consider another 1-night stand. i think he's got to me seriously. we're going to London on 10th january which is gonna be sooooo seriously great. we're going to the British Museum and to dinner in Covent Garden and we're staying in his uncle's house and it's gonna be wonderful to see him. i hope neither of us have changed too much over xmas. i havent gone this long without a hug from a guy for a seriously long time. cos obv will and andy and dan hug me all the time at uni - we're a touchy feely kinda group. so basically im feeling a distinct lack of humanity and love. probably need to sleep. and insert some proper sentences and the occasional new paragraph. never mind.

BTW are you doing anything for New Year? anybody?